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Oct. 15th, 2008 12:47 pm![[personal profile]](http://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sxxk1ttnRelationship boring; add AND make more people!
EDIT: Sorry, it was meant to go in dot_poly_snark ! i was at work and rushing to leave since i took a half day.
if you really want text i'll give it, but it's REALLY TL;DR and boring.
"Long Story Short
5 years ago my partner decided he wanted a monogamous,relationship.
We had previously been involved in a triad and we both had maintained other relationships.
I had two girlfriends, both long distance. He had three girlfriends, one long distance, two local. For a year we were involved in a triad relationship with one of the girlfriends mentioned above.
Now after 4 years of marriage, and three years where literally it has just been the two of us - no friends, no life outside of work, no community, - he wants to be poly again.
And instead of rationally welcoming this and not being threatened by it - I've become the green eyed monster. How do I get back in the saddle on this?
Back Story:
I didn't argue when we went monogamous.
At the time I knew that I loved to flirt, cuddle, spend time with others. I needed that time, I needed that intimacy. I also identify as bi-sexual and at the time there were parts of me that knew I needed both male and female partners to feel balanced. But we had started as a triad and we were involved with someone we both loved very much. When she moved out of the country she had little interest in pursuing a relationship with either of us. She asked me to take care of him and I did - and what we had grew into something really special - so I knew I wanted to be with him.
Then life happened, it became the two of us, eight months later we got married, moved out of the country and to the States. We knew no one and were getting our careers started so we just focused on that. We spent three years that way, we tried to make friends in the new town but it just wasn't happening for either of us. We got burnt pretty badly by a community we both wanted to be a part of and just hibernated.
Over the last few years I've made a few friends at work and recently they've become real friends, not work friends. He hasn't had the same experience. So we started getting out again in a different community, and now he's meeting people who could be friends.
And here's where my neurosis starts...
All of the people he wants to be friends with are girls... beautiful, amazing, intelligent women who would be amazing friends for him. And all I can see in them is everything I'm not... That's my problem, not his. I should be so proud of him for taking a chance and meeting people and for finding people who could be good for him.
Now out of the group there is one friend who is really on the same wave length as him, and is interested in a more intimate relationship. She doesn't want to do coffees or events in public. She wants to go for long walks, dinner, dancing...
All the things that he and I used to do when we dated and don't have time for anymore. And she is the spitting image of the ex-girlfriend I didn't think he was over when we got married.
So I'm intimidated by his new friends, I don't really have a place with them, they don't really like me. I'm losing what I saw as our dates.. and on top of this I just left my job to stay home, lose weight and try to have a baby.
For me, right now is not a great time to be poly; but if it is important to him then I need to figure it out.
I just can't seem to think straight on this. I know I need to trust him, I need to let him have his space and a life. I just feel incredibly vulnerable and insecure with where I currently am. We have talked about this, a lot, and we're both communicating what we need. He's willing to hold off a little on this and take it at my pace, but I don't see how being pregnant is going to improve my mental process on this.
I'm sorry this was long winded, and I hope it's not inflammatory. My short question is how do I get over myself and my issues and meet his needs?"
EDIT: Sorry, it was meant to go in dot_poly_snark ! i was at work and rushing to leave since i took a half day.
if you really want text i'll give it, but it's REALLY TL;DR and boring.
"Long Story Short
5 years ago my partner decided he wanted a monogamous,relationship.
We had previously been involved in a triad and we both had maintained other relationships.
I had two girlfriends, both long distance. He had three girlfriends, one long distance, two local. For a year we were involved in a triad relationship with one of the girlfriends mentioned above.
Now after 4 years of marriage, and three years where literally it has just been the two of us - no friends, no life outside of work, no community, - he wants to be poly again.
And instead of rationally welcoming this and not being threatened by it - I've become the green eyed monster. How do I get back in the saddle on this?
Back Story:
I didn't argue when we went monogamous.
At the time I knew that I loved to flirt, cuddle, spend time with others. I needed that time, I needed that intimacy. I also identify as bi-sexual and at the time there were parts of me that knew I needed both male and female partners to feel balanced. But we had started as a triad and we were involved with someone we both loved very much. When she moved out of the country she had little interest in pursuing a relationship with either of us. She asked me to take care of him and I did - and what we had grew into something really special - so I knew I wanted to be with him.
Then life happened, it became the two of us, eight months later we got married, moved out of the country and to the States. We knew no one and were getting our careers started so we just focused on that. We spent three years that way, we tried to make friends in the new town but it just wasn't happening for either of us. We got burnt pretty badly by a community we both wanted to be a part of and just hibernated.
Over the last few years I've made a few friends at work and recently they've become real friends, not work friends. He hasn't had the same experience. So we started getting out again in a different community, and now he's meeting people who could be friends.
And here's where my neurosis starts...
All of the people he wants to be friends with are girls... beautiful, amazing, intelligent women who would be amazing friends for him. And all I can see in them is everything I'm not... That's my problem, not his. I should be so proud of him for taking a chance and meeting people and for finding people who could be good for him.
Now out of the group there is one friend who is really on the same wave length as him, and is interested in a more intimate relationship. She doesn't want to do coffees or events in public. She wants to go for long walks, dinner, dancing...
All the things that he and I used to do when we dated and don't have time for anymore. And she is the spitting image of the ex-girlfriend I didn't think he was over when we got married.
So I'm intimidated by his new friends, I don't really have a place with them, they don't really like me. I'm losing what I saw as our dates.. and on top of this I just left my job to stay home, lose weight and try to have a baby.
For me, right now is not a great time to be poly; but if it is important to him then I need to figure it out.
I just can't seem to think straight on this. I know I need to trust him, I need to let him have his space and a life. I just feel incredibly vulnerable and insecure with where I currently am. We have talked about this, a lot, and we're both communicating what we need. He's willing to hold off a little on this and take it at my pace, but I don't see how being pregnant is going to improve my mental process on this.
I'm sorry this was long winded, and I hope it's not inflammatory. My short question is how do I get over myself and my issues and meet his needs?"
