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Thoughts on: My Car
Mar. 30th, 2007 07:21 pmoh my way to rockville centre to donate blood for 6:30 after work, and when i'm about 5 minutes from my destination the exhaust on my car falls off.
clearly, my car was well aware of jsut how fucking much i've been thinking about its replacement, i mean, today i was seriously thinking about going to look at new cars after giving blood tonight and was online trying to see where the dodge/chrysler/jeep dealerships were in the area i was gonna be at.
it has become sentient and has retaliated.
so, my shit falls off, something is hitting the ground, my engine noise increases to the decible and frequency range of old ford broncos, and when i go to accelerate it feels like i'm driving through mud, only in the not cool jeep awesome off road kind of way. it actually feels a lot as how my old nissan would when it would throw a spark plug, and i was only operating on 3 cylinders instead of 4. loud and sluggish.
i call my dad because he will either know how i can get out fo this, or he will know what's up with our AAA coverage that i know my mom had gotten wihtin the last year, but i was unsure as to whether it was still active and i needed some account numbers. he suggests i drive to a nearby gas station, have them attach the exhaust at least so it isn't on the ground (cause it's facing forward) and threatening to shoot through my gas tank if i hit too big of a pothole (ala mythbusters, only not using the transmission) and then bring it in to meineke in the morning.
i take a look at my back seat and ask if duct tape wil work since i have a nice big roll of it still. he says that a wire coathanger would be better.
lo and behold, i have one of those sitting in my backseat as well. why you ask? well, there's a lot of crap that i have in my car collected from various times and with varying levels of usefulness but here, good readers, this is where you stumble upon my secret. i perform back alley abortions out of the back of my car and that's the REAL reason i want another SUV instead of a practical, fuel efficient, sensible, economy sized coupe or sedan. i really do NEED the rear passenger space with optional fold down seats and extra rear storage.
so, i say, hey dad, I HAVE A WIRE HANGER! I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO AND TALK TO YOU LATER!! i had just woken him up from a nap so he was all too happy to get rid of me.
i get under the car, assess the situation, and start putting my bondage skills to better use than they've ever been at Paddles. and of course, my inner McGuyver is giddy with anticipation. i find that in order to get more leverage on the wire, i need to elevate the exhaust back up to where it should be, i don't have the tools to grip the wire so that it will do the work for me. and it's too hevy for my to lift enough to get my jack under it inititally so i get the gallon keg can of heineken that has been sitting in the trunk since new years 2006 and roll it under the exhaust from rear to front, jacking the pipe up, and then i can wedge my jack under the end near the break. i jack it up the rest of the way, though it's still not height aligned, but it's better. then i actually have to wrap the wire from front to back, and then have it come foward again under the rear exhaust and loop around the front part and wedge the wire around some bolts to keep it in place so that my pipes don't slip out of the wire harness while the car is in motion. and then i abandoned that fucking keg can in the parking lot i was at because god, can you imagine a half full keg of beer fermenting in the back of my car for the last 15 months? i swear, i was waiting for that shit to explode from internal pressure all summer long as it baked in the heat.
so i am full of awesome.
then i drive my ass home in my loud ass car (it really only sounds truly horrible in first and second gear), and i decide that bad things happen when i'm feeling charitable- for those who've forgotten, another time i was to donate blood in the afternoon, my car got hit from behind while parked in front of my house and i was asleep the morning of- so clearly i have to stop being charitable.
i had also noticed this week that my speedometer would dance in the mornings when i would drive to the station and it wouldn't register if i was going under 15mph, but from there to about 35 it would bounce and only stabilzes above 35. even though it didn't do that this morning, which i am attributing to to cold weather versus the car warming up after a few minutes of driving. i see now that my expctations of this car running for another year are unfounded. it is time to throw in the towel. i'm going with uncle bill in the morning to look at cars after i drop my car off at meineke, maybe i can sucker him into buying me a new car like he did for SexyLexy.
clearly, my car was well aware of jsut how fucking much i've been thinking about its replacement, i mean, today i was seriously thinking about going to look at new cars after giving blood tonight and was online trying to see where the dodge/chrysler/jeep dealerships were in the area i was gonna be at.
it has become sentient and has retaliated.
so, my shit falls off, something is hitting the ground, my engine noise increases to the decible and frequency range of old ford broncos, and when i go to accelerate it feels like i'm driving through mud, only in the not cool jeep awesome off road kind of way. it actually feels a lot as how my old nissan would when it would throw a spark plug, and i was only operating on 3 cylinders instead of 4. loud and sluggish.
i call my dad because he will either know how i can get out fo this, or he will know what's up with our AAA coverage that i know my mom had gotten wihtin the last year, but i was unsure as to whether it was still active and i needed some account numbers. he suggests i drive to a nearby gas station, have them attach the exhaust at least so it isn't on the ground (cause it's facing forward) and threatening to shoot through my gas tank if i hit too big of a pothole (ala mythbusters, only not using the transmission) and then bring it in to meineke in the morning.
i take a look at my back seat and ask if duct tape wil work since i have a nice big roll of it still. he says that a wire coathanger would be better.
lo and behold, i have one of those sitting in my backseat as well. why you ask? well, there's a lot of crap that i have in my car collected from various times and with varying levels of usefulness but here, good readers, this is where you stumble upon my secret. i perform back alley abortions out of the back of my car and that's the REAL reason i want another SUV instead of a practical, fuel efficient, sensible, economy sized coupe or sedan. i really do NEED the rear passenger space with optional fold down seats and extra rear storage.
so, i say, hey dad, I HAVE A WIRE HANGER! I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO AND TALK TO YOU LATER!! i had just woken him up from a nap so he was all too happy to get rid of me.
i get under the car, assess the situation, and start putting my bondage skills to better use than they've ever been at Paddles. and of course, my inner McGuyver is giddy with anticipation. i find that in order to get more leverage on the wire, i need to elevate the exhaust back up to where it should be, i don't have the tools to grip the wire so that it will do the work for me. and it's too hevy for my to lift enough to get my jack under it inititally so i get the gallon keg can of heineken that has been sitting in the trunk since new years 2006 and roll it under the exhaust from rear to front, jacking the pipe up, and then i can wedge my jack under the end near the break. i jack it up the rest of the way, though it's still not height aligned, but it's better. then i actually have to wrap the wire from front to back, and then have it come foward again under the rear exhaust and loop around the front part and wedge the wire around some bolts to keep it in place so that my pipes don't slip out of the wire harness while the car is in motion. and then i abandoned that fucking keg can in the parking lot i was at because god, can you imagine a half full keg of beer fermenting in the back of my car for the last 15 months? i swear, i was waiting for that shit to explode from internal pressure all summer long as it baked in the heat.
so i am full of awesome.
then i drive my ass home in my loud ass car (it really only sounds truly horrible in first and second gear), and i decide that bad things happen when i'm feeling charitable- for those who've forgotten, another time i was to donate blood in the afternoon, my car got hit from behind while parked in front of my house and i was asleep the morning of- so clearly i have to stop being charitable.
i had also noticed this week that my speedometer would dance in the mornings when i would drive to the station and it wouldn't register if i was going under 15mph, but from there to about 35 it would bounce and only stabilzes above 35. even though it didn't do that this morning, which i am attributing to to cold weather versus the car warming up after a few minutes of driving. i see now that my expctations of this car running for another year are unfounded. it is time to throw in the towel. i'm going with uncle bill in the morning to look at cars after i drop my car off at meineke, maybe i can sucker him into buying me a new car like he did for SexyLexy.
